To the broken hearted girl

 

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It’s not the end of the world but it certainly felt like it. My whole world had been ripped in two and people still had the odascity to tell me I was going to be just fine. How could they possibly know that ? How could they know what if be going through 6 months form now. The pain I was experiencing in that moment was a deep setting kind of pain; the kind of pain that penetrates through the bone. The kind of pain that you feel but you can’t hold nor can you put a bandaid over it to visually give you a sense of peace. I didn’t understand the encouraging words because in the moment it felt like I was a long away from ever getting through it. Though everyone told me otherwise it felt to me like my whole world had crumbled. My world had fallen apart and no one seemed to care. The world kept spinning and it felt like I was the broken girl running after it trying to keep up. I was the broken girl walking through crowds but I felt isolated and alone. It hurt even more to see people going about their lives like nothing had happened .

I secretly hoped the world would stop. That it would suddenly stop spinning and wait for me catch my breath. That I’d get some sort of special treatment not the ‘oh shame we feel sorry for you ‘type but the ‘she need some time give her a break ‘ type.This wasn’t supposed to be my story but I found myself immersed in my worst nightmare drowning in pain. This wasn’t supposed to be part of my story, I wasn’t supposed to be in that situation but the day my mom passed is the day I became a motherless daughter. I unwillingly took up my new title and I have carried that burden ever since. It is hard and it gets more difficult as time goes but it also get much easier . It’s been 3 years now and It breaks my heart to think that my mother has been gone for that long but at the same time I am grateful to think that o have come this far. I never would have imagined being in this space of peace but I am surrounded by it.

This is for all those who are right in the midst of grief. Those who feel like the tunnel they are in doesn’t have an end. This is for all those who fee like they world has come to an end I want you to know that there is hope. There is sunshine after the storm and light at the end of the tunnel.

I may still be a motherless daughter, I’m still a little broken but I am okay.

You will be okay!

 

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Dealing with pain and loss : the art of Getting Over It!

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Get over it!

Its been months now why are you still crying?

You are still talking about this🙄!

 

I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve heard these very words uttered by the very people who are close to me. I lost my mom! I didn’t lose a an earring or get hurt by my high school crush…I lost something that I can never replace again. I lost a part of me and I’m sorry if it takes more than a few months or a few years for me to adjust to the deficit. I am not seeking attention I have just become numb . I still cry and I am constantly reminded that it isn’t normal ,maybe there is something wrong with me .I can’t help it when I’m reminded of all the goodness my mother used to bring. I can’t help when I see something that rips open the wound that had seemed to have healed. I can’t let go of memories and love and I hope that you don’t expect me to.

I have read countless grief books and the one thing that stands out ,a common thread in most of them,is the fact that many grieving have been told to get over it. It is like telling a depressed person to just be happy. It is complicated. The grieving process is not as black and white as the five stages suggest. In fact I personally don’t remember successfully completing any single one of those steps but I survived. Grieving is unique,it is tailored according to the extent of hurt and to the type of person who has been hurt. My sisters and I all went through the same thing but we have definitely processed everything in our own ways. People are different and as much as we may share similar stories our experiences,our emotions and our coping mechanisms will always be different.

I get it!

I know I’m not the first to lose a loved one and I’m sure not trying to act like I am. I know that this is a part of life,that everyone goes through pain and loss but should that very knowledge then discount what I am going through? I was hurt and I am still hurting.It is the sort of hurt that doesn’t truly go away . A hurt that you learn to live with. I never knew that I would come to a time where I would smile again. I didn’t think I would be able to laugh again but my days are filled with joy and wonder. I can never truly relate to you what it is like unless you have ever encountered a similar situation in your own life. I can’t make you understand my hurt and brokenness. I don’t need you to feel sorry for me. On most days I am doing just fine,some days I feel  the pain sweep over me like time hasn’t passed by. Sometimes I wake up and I cry. Sometimes I think of her and feel all my strength slip away. It is not easy and please don’t expect more than I can give. I am taking it day by day because that is the only way I know how to cope. The pain came all at once and I may need a little more time to pick up the pieces of my scattered heart. My brokenness is slowly fading but I will never be the same again;I am forever changed by this but I know in the end I will come out stronger than I was before. In the end I hope you will learn to accept my brokenness and help me to nurture it back into hope and love.

Adventures in the most livable city(part 2)-Melbourne

 

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Today it was a warm winters day and the city was filled with the sweet aroma of zeal as everyone was going about their business.The city is always vibrant,filled with lots of people who are determined to make it through the streets without wasting any time but there is a whole other side to this breathtaking city besides the hustle and bustle . Melbourne is a city filled with creative hearts longing to be seen and heard. There is Art everywhere from the teenage boy doing a marvelous magic trick to the lowly woman painting eye catching portraits on old vinyls. There is always a lot going on and I always make it a point to walk slowly when I make my way back to the train station after hours because I don’t want to miss a single thing. It’s no surprise that I took an unexpected detour today; I can’t help it when there are still so many lanes and crevices I’m yet to explore.Today I was hanging around Flinders street and Hosier Lane. I am always intrigued by magnificent architecture and so when I came across the St John’s Anglican Church along Flinders street I had to take a picture (many in fact). This building is one of the most beautiful churches I have ever seen. There is so much detail..I couldn’t even begin to describe so I’ll just show you.

 

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St John’s Anglican Church (this is just the side of the building because of where I was standing but it’s a beautiful picture nonetheless)

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The front view of the church

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Don’t know what this building is but I just loved the architectural details(anyone know what this is?)

 

And then there was Hosier Lane(street art). If you’ve heard about Melbourne you’ve probably heard about this graffiti filled lane. It is beautiful and even if you are not an art lover you will surely appreciate this!

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You can can follow me on my IG  account if you would like to see my adventures live. I post regular videos and updates.

Instagram: nolatee7 (Taffy Mutogo)

Until next time …

What if I’m depressed?

 

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Well, I’m gonna get out of bed every morning… breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won’t have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out… and, then after a while, I won’t have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.”-Sam Baldwin ,Sleepless in Seattle

Loss/anxiety is one of those things that can  have a strong hold on your pattern of thought . It can either make you or break you. I have heard of stories of people losing grip of reality because of the intensity this void can bring to ones being. It’s the reality of it. Most people won’t understand how people can reach extremes during times of grief/loss/anxiety/illness etc but it’s very possible. Infact this persistent sadness can lead one into a depressive state .

Depression is a common mental disorder, characterized by persistent sadness and a loss of interest in activities that you normally enjoy, accompanied by an inability to carry out daily activities, for at least two weeks –World Health Organisation: Depression,Lets talk campaign

Depression is not uncommon :- about 300 million people are living with depression right and 800000 of those people become suicidal. Have you gone through this or do you know anyone who has/or is living with depression?

The thought of a tomorrow  can become a very debilitating thought ( I know I’ve been there). It can ultimately consume all the hope in you .
Please don’t let it.
Life is going to be different , things are going to change but worrying about how those things will turn out isn’t going to help.

Breathe .

Take a moment.

You don’t have to have everything figured out right now. You don’t have to have your emotions kept in check right now. It’s okay. There is no science to this life thing, I don’t have ten steps that will take your pain away . I cant promise rainbows and sunshine for the days to come, there will be bad days, but its okay. I’m just here to tell you to just take it one step at a time. You don’t have to get through the year just yet all you have to do right now is get through today. Just today . Don’t worry about what is not going to happen tomorrow put all that strength into getting through the day .

Breathe.
Get out of bed.
Eat.
Sleep.
Repeat.

The simple things will get you through the minutes, which will turn into hours and soon days. Time will go by and you will be surprised that you are doing okay. There is light at the end of the tunnel,it’s true. Although you may not see it, even when you feel like all hope is gone just know that you will get through this. Sure I don’t know you, I don’t know what you are going through but I don’t have to . I know that when I went through it , people would tell me I would be okay but I didn’t believe it. I couldn’t even imagine myself being okay but I am okay . It is going to be hard but draw strength from God and rest in him knowing he loves you, your family loves you and your friends do too. Take it day by day , nothing too complicated .Keep soldiering on ,it will be well .

 

Next post will the clinical and  unexpected symptoms …..

 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (2 Corinthians 12:9, ESV)

 

feel free  to leave a comment or drop an email if you need someone to listen 🙂

Adventures in The Worlds most livable city: Melbourne,Australia (part 1)

I went on my first City escapade and I couldn’t wait to share it. I have lived in Africa my whole life ,in a 3rd world country so most of these experiences are very new to me. I have to say that Melbourne is a beautiful city!I have living in Harare,in Cape Town and in Johannesburg and none of these cities can compare to Melbourne.Every thing you’ve heard is true and a whole lot more. The buildings are beautiful with an old English feel and the modern buildings are breathtaking.

Navigating in the city is Farely  easy. There are trains, trams,cabs and just walking will get you seeing everything without any hassles. I haven’t visited the tourist attractions just yet but what I have seen has left me wanting more of this city.

If you are ever looking for a good place to visit this should be one of the places on the top of your list.

 

These pictures are just of my explorations (mostly things I stumbled upon )Just North  of the Yarra river.

 

Have you ever visited/lived in Melbourne?Do you have any suggestions on where I should visit next?

 

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Next stop..Exploring the restaurant  scene in Melbourne (can’t wait!)

Makeup life hacks : how to do your eyebrows without an eyebrow kit/brushes

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Hey guys,

So I always have people ask me how I do my brows and I chuckle (on the inside) because I usually use unconventional things to get my eyebrows fleeking.

So I am Going to show you how to use whatever you have right now in your make up bag to get your eyebrows looking Instagram ready!!

 

1. Using liquid eyeliner 

Not only just any liquid liner…it’s BLACK! I know it’s a cardinal eyebrow rule not to use black(rather use browns and greys etc) But the thing is sometimes all you have is the black eyeliner you use  and maybe you aren’t that person that puts makeup first and going to the store to buy a new liner (when you have a perfectly good one) makes you cringe a little, Or maybe you are just on a tight budget and can’t afford to go on makeup hauls just yet.

Dont worry I’m here to help!I do a lot of experimenting with makeup and especially when I was in college I did a lot of diy stuff and I realized that there are always alternatives!!always

I prefer my eyebrows looking natural so that is what I will post today(If you like the dramatic brows All you need to do is to add more  color and voila)

 

 

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from left to right : old L’Oréal mascara brush , black liquid liner, tan eyeliner(it’s not brown), black sleek pencil eyeliner and clarins concealer

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Brush

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Wash excess liner brush until it’s leaves a light watery black color like the picture below..

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I usually use my my hand but you can do this on any flat surface/container . Use this watery mixture for eyebrows.

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Firstly, shape your brows with desired shape (outline) and start filling any gaps

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Fill in the brows

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Left undone  eyebrow

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Right finished brow

 

For a more detailed look at what I did and to see the finished look please check out the video here >> https://youtu.be/CIJ2UewryNo

 

To the girl who feels a little less than..

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I’m not pretty enough.
That’s what I though when I was a teen in high school. I always felt like I missed the benchmark of what the standard of beauty was. I felt as though I wasn’t enough. I would look at magazines, music videos etc and feel like I didn’t measure up ! Maybe if I had longer hair, a smaller nose and bluer eyes …maybe then I would be something . It seemed like my early high school years were for nothing more than to enhance my insecurities. My insecurities had become the main thing and I became the shadow straddling behind them. Hiding, holding back and making sure I never stood out lest someone pointed out my shortcomings.

It worked out for while, walking in the shadows until those very insecurities were flaunted in my face. A time when my insecurities were affirmed right in my face. This girl I went to school with was asked if she thought I was pretty? I wasn’t part of this conversation , they were walking behind me and I overheard the whole thing. I waited patiently for her answer wondering what she would say. I think I was about fifteen at the time, at the peak of adolescence.
She laughed.( yeah she seriously chuckled)
‘ If it weren’t for those big lips of hers she might be ‘.
I was crushed.
So is that what everyone saw the first time they would look at me… my lips?
Did everyone I encounter think I  had abnormal lips?Did they think I had an almost pretty face?
It wouldn’t have hurt as much if I hadn’t noticed my lips, infact they were one of my MANY insecurities. I remember thinking well I guess lipstick and lipgloss is out of the question for my life,I can’t draw attention to that!

So there I was living my life through the lense of other people’s expectations and preferences that I could never measure up to.
The worlds expectations are hard enough to handle without fellow women aiding and abetting the cause. We are sometimes more hard on each other than the world is to us. I read somewhere that there is no bigger compliment than having a beautiful woman come up to you and tell you of how beautiful you are and I agree. It is a big feat when a woman acknowledges another woman’s beauty and actually means it . It’s a really beautiful thing to see .

So the fifteen year old girl who swore off lipstick now owns more than ten different shades of lipstick (and more including the ones I make myself). Now when people ask me why I wear lipstick a lot(lol) I laugh and think how far I’ve come.Little me would not have been able to rock that black cherry lipstick, she would have been too afraid to stick out ,she was afraid people would notice her . I think we all have those moments when we feel insecure( I’m not perfect I still do) but it is those imperfections that make you …YOU! God fashioned you , to be the way you are, to look the way you look ! It is something greater than our minds could possibly comprehend.

To think that sometimes we look  in the mirror and all we see are the imperfections . We choose to see the stretch marks, the cellulite, the skinny legs,the pimples, the thin lips, big noses etc but your very being isn’t defined by all of that (despite what the media shoves down our throats).
Beautiful couldn’t even begin to describe you. Please believe it.
I think for the standard of beauty to have any hope of ever shifting it starts with us, the women. The more we choose to support each other the less room there is for negativity to seep in . We all probably have insecurities about something, enlarging the presence of another woman’s shortfalls will not diminish your own .

Having another beautiful woman walk into the room does not take away your beauty

 I was looking at my garden the other day and I saw a patch of beautiful pink flowers 🌺 growing. I looked at them and thought how beautiful. Alone it’s just a pretty flower but together they make a beautiful garden. Imagine what would happen if we chose to stand together, if we as woman chose to walk in packs of slayage!!The support of women is stronger than what any man could ever speak into your life. I think once we start empowering each other there will be no force that can stand against a band of woman (like obviously).
Readjust the standard of beauty by walking confidently in who you are because when you do that , your beauty will speak louder and it will shine bright, too bright to be ignored.
I keep telling myself (even now) that I am beautiful everytime I look in the mirror just in case someone tries to tell me otherwise , I won’t forget, but don’t be the person who throws daggers at another’s confidence.Be beautiful, tell the next girl she’s beautiful and walk confidently knowing whose you are!
So Go out Beautiful , LIVE!